A newbie’s guide to being a respectful and desired submissive.
by Jen of WCDT.
A lot of BDSM has become online only practice because of most having stumbled across this either by the “50 shades” books or on a Facebook page such as my own (Whips, Chains & Duct Tape). The good quiet girl has all this sexual confusion/frustration pent-up inside her needing to be let out of her cage. Not understanding any of this NEED or that there is a name for it, many girls will create a “fake” lifestyle Facebook profile so that the friends and family do not see what the “good girl” is up to on FB. How could you possibly explain this to your aunt or friend from the office if you barely understand it yourself? So out of fear of rejection and ridicule you hide behind that dirty girl profile and start your journey.
Here are some things I suggest to do when starting this journey to become a desired submissive in hopes to catch the eye of a respectful Dominant, this is my opinion that I have developed from research and talking with many Dominants. This not to be taken as the only way, as there is no “right or wrong” in BDSM as long as you are safe and happy.
1. DO NOT submit to someone you do not know. IF He is a REAL Dominant He will understand, and will encourage that you take your time so you can learn about yourself, who you are as a sub and what you want in Dominant.
2. DO NOT send dirty pics to every Dom/me on Facebook (or other sites) that includes page owners as well. Yes our Dom/mes want pics of what belongs to Them, but that is AFTER you get to know this Man/Women, have made sure there is a connection, you can trust Him/Her with the pic AND AFTER YOU HAVE SUBMITTED. If you send a Dom/me naked pics to entice Him to be your Dom/me, if He/She is a REAL Dom/me, it won’t work. A REAL Dom/me wants a respectable girl who can be HIS whore when He wants her to be, NOT a whore that all His Dom/me friends know all about and now He has to train her to be a lady.
3. TAKE YOUR TIME. I know this can be very exciting, you have finally figured out what has been missing in your life, that part of you is now AWAKE and wants to play. It’s hard not to give in, but girls, you need to stop, take a breath and arm yourself with some knowledge.
4. You can NEVER learn everything. Everyday you should study about some part of BDSM. Even the parts you do not want to be a part of. If watersports is a hard limit for you, learn about it and you will be able to stand your ground on why that is not your kink. On the flip side of that is maybe you have never heard of pet play, so you do the research and learn that you have an inner kitty that is dying to claw her way out, a kink that you may of never discovered had you not done your research on kinks.
5. Learn what the differences between a Daddy, Dominant(Dom/me), and Master/Mistress. How does it change the type of relationship you are getting into? Just because you are a submissive does not mean you cannot learn all about a Dom figure. How can you find a real Dom, your perfect match for you if you are clueless on what you are even looking for?
6. Learn about yourself. What do you want out of BDSM? Just bedroom play to bring some life back to your marriage or a complete lifestyle change? A serious 24/7, where every second is living to serve you Dom/me? Are you a submissive, pet, slave, a little? So many questions you need think about and research. Ask yourself who am i and what do i want my role in BDSM to be?
7. Relationship dynamics. There are so many but some of the more popular ones are real-time, live-in, on-line only, or long distance (LDR). Who is going to be in the relationship? It can be monogamous, open, poly (poly or D/s poly where there is one in charge and an alpha sub). Is the Dom/me (or even yourself) married to a vanilla? Does He/She have a live-in sub (married or not) and will you His/Her online only or possible LDR sub? Would you be allowed to “play” with other subs, would you even want to? Are you bi-sexual and willing to possibly with other women/men with your Dom/me? Could you handle knowing He/She cares for and has a connection with another sub? **Important note about poly…If done openly and honestly is a beautiful and rewarding experience. IF done wrong (which so many are) it can be painful, cause depression, low self-esteem and even end the relationship/friendships.
8. The best thing to do is get some lifestyle friends. Preferably real life, but on-line will do. It helps to be able to confide in someone about your excitements, disappointments and fears. When you find that you are not alone with your emotions it’s a lot easier to process and grow from them. If possible go to a munch in your area or a city close to you, just to be around others in the lifestyle, meet new people, maybe even meet your Dom/me.
9. GO WITH YOUR GUT INSTINCTS! If it does NOT seem right, then you need to stop, rethink what is going on, and ask someone (that you trust) if what’s going on is ok. Yes you are the sub, and are to obey YOUR Dom/me, not ALL Dom/mes. You have the right as a sub to stand up for yourself ESPECIALLY when it comes to a hard limit. You also have the right to NOT allow a “dom/me” to abuse you in the name of BDSM. Do NOT stay with a Dom/me that ignores your safety ESPECIALLY if they keep going after you safeword! Do NOT stay in a D/s relationship if the connection is not real, and you are not going to grow from that relationship. You should not fake emotions just so you can be owned.
10. SAFEWORD. Have one!!! Some like to be creative and pick their own, some us the stop light system (red, yellow & green) It does not matter if you are a new sub or if you are playing with a new Dom (new to you or new to BDSM) Have a safeword , and make sure the Dom/me knows it! It could be a matter of life or death.
11. LIMITS. These are YOUR limits. What you want to do (or do again) or try. Hard limits are something you do NOT want to try, never. Soft limits are kinks that interest you, but have never even thought of trying until now…you are turned on by the idea of it, but want to go at a slower pace, with someone you trust.
12. Communication. When you are confused, upset or need to talk about something, ask your Dom/me for a timeout. A timeout is when you stay respectful, but are allowed to express how you feeling about something going on in the relationship. Let your Dom/me know if something is bothering you, if you are upset or even scared. Emotions will be running wild and its easy to lose a grip on them. If you are not in a good head space, it can throw off a scene and make things worse. If you let your Dom/me know what is wrong, they can help you understand and get through it in an emotionally safe way.
13. A VERY IMPORTANT ONE! Show respect towards others. A Dom/me does NOT want a disrespectful sub that doesn’t know her place. A few different ways to avoid that is by doing the following. You can address other Dom/mes by either their names or Sir/Ma’am. Do NOT call another Dom Master, Daddy, Lord etc…that should be only for YOUR Dom, that is disrespectful to Him/Her and His/Her subs. DO NOT flirt with, send naked pics to or try to get a Dom/me to cheat on or leave His/Her sub. That is beyond disrespectful to do this, you should not use BDSM as an excuse to be a whore (except to your Dom). If He/She will cheat on their current sub, then i’m sure they will cheat on you. BDSM is about RESPECT (of yourself and others). You should show it in all things you do. If you are owned, then you should represent your Dom/me in a positive way.
I hope this will shed some light on the basic foundation of BDSM. A guide of where to start and things you need to think about and research BEFORE submitting or playing with others.